Owning My Life

I have a problem with responsibility. If someone gives me a job I can make sure it gets done. I always want to make it perfect. The problem with that is it takes so long. The biggest problem I have with responsibility is when I give myself a job. My follow through can be terrible. Even with things I want to do. Today I woke up feeling ill and I haven’t been able to enact the plan I had for today. I wanted to go check out a place for work but instead I spend all morning at home drinking tea, trying to relax, and watching Wim Hof and Jocko Willink.

I like to think I’m pretty good at owning my life. The problem for me is I rarely know what to do with it. The last few days I’ve been pretty bad about binge eating. It’s been stressful for me putting together resumes and filling out job applications and my tendency in these situations is to eat a lot, near continuously if possible. I know that it’s not good for my health but I eat almost completely whole foods and I kinda figure it’s the least worst thing I could be doing so I tend not to worry about it too much. I think that contributed to feeling sick today. I think part of a balanced life involves moderation in all things.

Listening to both Wim and Jocko was good today because I realize that it’s not just being responsible that makes a person great. It’s also making an effort. That’s probably my biggest problem. I’m somehow fine with how little effort I make into expanding my life. I like to ride the waves and I like to wait for the big ones.

This afternoon I applied for a Mental Health Worker position. Not the strongest choice for someone who sometimes struggles with mental health, but I know I have the patience and compassion suitable for supervising and teaching in a group environment.

I also applied as a Security Officer. It’s a job. At least I will get to help people and I’m sure I can do little things to make the most of it.

My friend is still in the hospital. I know he really wants to go home but at least at the hospital he will likely recover smoothly.

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